One-Liners (from Dave)

—– Original Message —–

Sent: Monday, December 20, 2004 10:35 AM
Subject: FWD – More One-Liners – Some repeats, but still funny and clever.   Dave
 

 
 Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.
    ~Mark Twain

 What would men be without women? Scarce, sir .. mighty scarce.
    ~Mark Twain

 By all means, marry.

If you get a good wife, you’ll become happy;
if you get a bad one, you’ll become a philosopher.
    ~Socrates

 I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
    ~Groucho Marx

 My wife has a slight impediment in her speech.  Every now and then she stops to breathe.
   ~Jimmy Durante

 The male is a domestic animal which, if treated with firmness and  kindness, can be trained to do most things.
    ~Jilly Cooper

 I have never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back.
    ~Zsa Zsa Gabor

I once had a rose named after me and I was very flattered.  But I was
not pleased to read the description in the catalogue: “No good in a bed,
but fine against a wall.”
    ~Eleanor Roosevelt

 Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen.  I
 have since seen her sister… and now wish to withdraw that statement.
    ~Mark Twain

 The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good
 ending; and to have the two as close together as possible.
    ~George Burns

 Santa Claus has the right idea .. Visit people only once a year.
    ~Victor Borge

 Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat.
    ~Alex Levine

 Don’t go around saying the world owes you a living.  The world owes you  nothing. It was here first.
     ~Mark Twain
 
  My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying
     ~Ed Furgol
 
  Money can’t buy you happiness, but it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery.
     ~Spike Milligan
  
   What’s the use of happiness? It can’t buy you money.
      ~Henny Youngman
  
   I am opposed to millionaires, but it would be dangerous to offer me the position.
      ~Mark Twain
  
   Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was ‘shut up’.
    ~Joe Namath
  
   Youth would be an ideal state if it came a little later in life.
      ~Herbert Henry Asquith
  
   I don’t feel old. I don’t feel anything until noon.  Then it’s time for my nap.
      ~Bob Hope
  
   A woman drove me to drink … and I hadn’t even the courtesy to thank her.
     ~W.C. Fields
 
  I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.
     ~W.C. Fields
 
  It takes only one drink to get me drunk.  The trouble is, I can’t remember if it’s the thirteenth or the fourteenth.
     ~George Burns
 
  We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way through Congress.
     ~Will Rogers
 
  Don’t worry about avoiding temptation… As you grow older, it will avoid you.
     ~Winston Churchill
 
  Maybe it’s true that life begins at fifty. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.
     ~Phyllis Diller
 
  The cardiologist’s diet: If it tastes good … spit it out.
     ~Unknown
 
  By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he’s too old to go anywhere.
    ~Billy Crystal

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