Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.
What would men be without women? Scarce, sir .. mighty scarce.
By all means, marry.
If you get a good wife, you’ll become happy;
if you get a bad one, you’ll become a philosopher.
I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe.
The male is a domestic animal which, if treated with firmness and kindness, can be trained to do most things.
I have never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back.
~Zsa Zsa Gabor
I once had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was
not pleased to read the description in the catalogue: “No good in a bed,
but fine against a wall.”
Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I
have since seen her sister… and now wish to withdraw that statement.
The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good
ending; and to have the two as close together as possible.
Santa Claus has the right idea .. Visit people only once a year.
Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat.
Don’t go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes you nothing. It was here first.
My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying
Money can’t buy you happiness, but it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery.
What’s the use of happiness? It can’t buy you money.
I am opposed to millionaires, but it would be dangerous to offer me the position.
Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was ‘shut up’.
Youth would be an ideal state if it came a little later in life.
~Herbert Henry Asquith
I don’t feel old. I don’t feel anything until noon. Then it’s time for my nap.
A woman drove me to drink … and I hadn’t even the courtesy to thank her.
I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.
It takes only one drink to get me drunk. The trouble is, I can’t remember if it’s the thirteenth or the fourteenth.
We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way through Congress.
Don’t worry about avoiding temptation… As you grow older, it will avoid you.
Maybe it’s true that life begins at fifty. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.
The cardiologist’s diet: If it tastes good … spit it out.
By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he’s too old to go anywhere.