Quotes from Remarkable Jews

I once wanted to become an atheist but I gave up . . .they have no holidays. – Henny Youngman

Look at Jewish history. Unrelieved lamenting would be intolerable. So, for every ten Jews beating their Breasts, God designated one to be crazy and amuse the breast beaters. By the time I was five I knew I was that one. – Mel Brooks

My father never lived to see his dream come true of an all-Yiddish-speaking Canada – David Steinberg

The time is at hand when the wearing of a prayer shawl and skullcap will not bar a man from the White House, unless, of course, the man is Jewish. – Jules Farber

Even if you are Catholic, if you live in New York you’re Jewish.
If you live in Butte, Montana, you are going to be goyish even if you are Jewish. – Lenny Bruce

The remarkable thing about my mother is that for thirty years she served us nothing but leftovers. The original meal has never been found. – Calvin Trillin

Even a secret agent can’t lie to a Jewish mother. – Peter Malkin

My idea of an agreeable person is a person who agrees with me. – Benjamin Disraeali

It’s so simple to be wise. Just think of something stupid to say and then don’t say it. – – Sam Levenson

God will pardon me. It’s His business. – Heinrich Heine

I went on a diet, swore off drinking and heavy eating, and in fourteen days I had lost exactly two weeks. – Joe E. Lewis

Bankruptcy is a legal proceeding in which you put your money in your pants pocket and give your coat to your creditors. – Sam Goldwyn

A spoken contract isn’t worth the paper it’s written on. – Sam Goldwyn

I don’t want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve immortality through not dying. – Woody Allen

A politician is a man who will double cross that bridge when he comes to it. – Oscar Levant

Too bad that all the people who know how to run this country are busy driving taxis and cutting hair. – George Burns

Liberals feel unworthy of their possessions. Conservatives feel they deserve everything they’ve stolen. – Mort Sahl

A committee is a group that keeps minutes and loses hours. – Milton Berle

I don’t want any yes-men around me. I want everybody to tell me the truth, even if it costs them their jobs. – Sam Goldwyn

Television is a medium because it is neither rare nor well done. – Ernie Kovacs

When I bore people at a party, they think it is their fault. – Henry Kissinger

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